Diary of a Sad Human

Diary of a Sad Human

Dear diary,

The human has barely moved in three days due to my back, which seems to be celebrating the invention of pain on a quarterly basis. I dragged myself off of my yoga mat to the couch, and before I could put my feet on the footrest, the two four-legged creatures who are holding me captive wandered in and sat atypically close to one another and never blinked, while burrowing into my mind and controlling my actions.

Should they make a noise similar to a small motor running, I have heard it referred to as purring by former humans, youBlack cats (Boris and Whiskey) staring intently. must take heed. This is an audio drug that they have perfected designed to loll humans into petting passivity typically before a vicious attack of bunny kicking ferocity.

I fear my demise is near. I spend most of my days under that  watchful silent stare with their eyes full of disdain. The judgement never ends unless one of them is suddenly overtaken by what can only be explained as an invisible touch causing them to bite or lick themselves rapidly. I can only assume Whiskey will initiate the kill as he is the current leader of house. I believe my death will be slow, perhaps from the ghastly fumes that escape their mouths when they yawn. 

The little one has been stockpiling toys, so I am no longer needed for entertainment purposes. Earlier today I was forced to buy 24 cans of food, the kind with the pop up lid that any feline well versed in the latest feral cat survival guide can open. This morning they were clearly laying out plans for the bed when I am gone. I was left clinging to the edge of the mattress while they lounged about the remaining space.

 Do not be fooled by their random bursts of playfulness. It is another ploy to divert your senses, to create a false world of fuzzy and cute images--Cat-opia. Soon treats will fly out of your hands with reckless abandon, you will open and close doors until your arms are numb, and sleep deprivation is only the beginning of the end.

The only escape I foresee is to utilize my military training in the use of catnip. I leave you with the knowledge that there are more of these creatures seemingly sleeping for hours on end, but they are cunning and will stop at nothing short of world domination.

Farewell friends and foes. Carry on to save the human race. Godspeed.

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